Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Monday, June 6, 2016

A Requiem for "The Land"

Friends,

We are gathered here today to pay our respects to a once proud organization whose hopes and dreams for their first ever NBA Championship were taken far too soon.  Taken, by 2 acts of savagery so ghastly we can scarcely repeat their names.

Game 1....give me a moment....let me compose myself....so inhumane...


What the hell just happened? (Photo: RollingsStone.com)



and the even more vile...Game 2.



  
Pretty much...(Photo: Getty Images)
But they're still alive...

No, good fellow, what you are experiencing is phantom fandom.  It is a common affliction for people who have recently lost their favorite teams.  You believe there is hope and that there are still meaningful games to be played. Many people who have lost limbs experience this.  Fear not, There are many other pursuits you may enjoy to comfort you in this time of sorrow.
Bruh, Games 3 and 4 are this week. In Cleveland.

 I did say "meaningful" in the above response, yes?  Just making sure.  Do not worry, we are here for you to help you past this difficult time.  Use these "games" as an opportunity to reflect on the lives of these brave young men who so heroically sacrificed themselves upon the altar of the Golden State. Many others have come before you who may be able to guide your through the process.  Mourners from Houston, Oklahoma, and, Portland would be good places to start.


Funny, but you're wrong, the Cavs are coming home and we're going to hold serve at the Q!

Tragedy often strikes when we least expect it so I can understand the denial and anger.  However, I'd like to point out that I've already been wrong.  I bet on the Cavaliers to win.  Fool me once...





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Friday, May 13, 2016

Just Thought You Should Know: 5/13/16

Coming up with topics isn't my strong suit.  I love to write but I have to feel strongly about a topic to put my best and most authentic self into a piece.  Honestly, those moments come too few and too far in between to operate that way and still call myself a writer.  It would be easy to just gush about popular topics but that only takes you so far before you stop being original.  People shouldn't have a hard time telling the difference between you and Polly the Political Parrot (variations of which are employed by every foxy cable news national broadcast network).  It's lazy.  I also love to spread information, not in a know-it-all sense but in a hey-we're-all-busy-but-I-thought-you-should-know-this sense.  Which, not coincidentally, is the title of my new weekly column.  "Just Thought You Should Know" will feature culturally relevant stories that are a bit off the radar...or that I think are just plain funny. Stuff that would come up over a beer with good friends or things you'd tell your relatives "back home" about life in the land of milk and honey.  Hope you find these informative and add a little color to your day!  Enjoy.

  
Barack, you did it my nigga!


Larry Wilmore pissed off a lot of people with his closing speech at the White House Correspondence Dinner last week.  While his last line got the most media attention, it wasn't the most shocking moment. Looking at you Mr. "Alleged Journalist."

U mad, Don?
Why does it matter?

It might honestly be the first time you've seen such unapologetic, usually behind-closed-doors, blackness on full display.  Especially on such a historically non-black stage.  It made a lot of people uncomfortable.  Silly people crying "reverse racism" or "black privilege", black folks who felt embarrassed by the use of a word they've probably said in private dozens of times used in front of "all those white folk," and others who think the word should just be eliminated from the lexicon.

*sigh*

Look, self determination, the basis of individualism and freedom, is the root of American identity, right?  This country (in theory) was founded on the idea that I can be what I want to be.  That includes deciding how you want to be referred to, just like a nickname given to you by family or friends.  Only the people closest to you and/or who you deem worthy are allowed to call you that name.  Same concept. It's not that hard.  The President had no issues with it, why should you?  Even Don Lemon came around...

"Nope. Not mad at all."


The Philippines' President-Elect makes Donald Trump look civilized.

"Pope, 'son of a whore,' go home.  Do not visit us again." -- President-Elect Duterte being asked about Manila's terrible traffic being made worse by the pontiff's Jan 2015 visit (Photo CNN.com) 


Rodgrio Duterte, Mayor of Davao City for 22 years, will be the next President of the Philippines. Here are some quotes from Mr. Duterte during his rise to the top (Via Asiaone.com)

On crime- "Forget the laws on human rights. If I make it to the presidential palace, I will do just what I did as mayor. You drug pushers, hold-up men and do-nothings, you better go out. Because I'd kill you," he said at his final campaign rally in Manila on Saturday, referring to his record after 22 years as mayor of Davao.
- "I'll dump all of you (criminals) into Manila Bay, and fatten all the fish there."
Duterte is pretty high on Human Rights Watch's shit list considering his "Death Squads" are rumored to be responsible for more than 1,700 deaths in Davao.  Duterte also brags about having personally delivered his brand of justice on occasion.  
On women- "They raped all of the women... There was this Australian lay minister... when they took them out... I saw her face and I thought, 'Son of a b****. what a pity... they raped her, they all lined up. I was mad she was raped but she was so beautiful. I thought, the mayor should have been first." -- Speaking at a campaign rally about a prison riot in Davao in 1989 that saw inmates take a female Australian missionary working at the prison hostage before raping and killing her.
- "I was separated from my wife. I'm not impotent. What am I supposed to do? Let this hang forever? When I take Viagra, it stands up."
Charming.

 Why does it matter?

 The parallels between him our current presumptive Republican Presidential Nominee are undeniable.  Even if he doesn't think so...

On Donald Trump- "He's a bigot and I am not." -- Mr Duterte rejecting comparisons of him with the presumptive Republican nominee in the US presidential election, Mr Donald Trump.
Obviously, the Philippines are not the United States but they are a legitimate democracy (as opposed to the Russian variety) and Duterte's election proves that being a sexist, murderous, jackass isn't barrier to public office.  Sometimes its a fast track.  His popularity is no accident as the Philippine government is one of the most corrupt on the planet.  It's not hard to imagine being fed up with a government that has abused the public trust so much that the people elect an "outsider" to fix things.  Cultural differences aside, people are people.  The Democrats, and Trump haters in general should come up with a better strategy to beat him than righteous indignation.


16 Black Female West Point Cadets won't be disciplined for...doing nothing in the first place.

Black Hooahs matter.  West Point Chapter (Photo: theRoot.com)
Add "taking a group photo" to the list of things black folks can't do without being suspicious.  I honestly expected better from the Army.  I really did.  The years that I served were some of the best of my life and it was one few times I felt judged by my merits alone.  I got what I earned, no more, no less and I never felt what I was mattered more that who I was...or at least what my rank was.  Unfortunately, the current atmosphere of crazy seems to have penetrated the Army's ranks.  I suppose in hindsight, I shouldn't be surprised, since the Army has always reflected the nation it serves, but it still disappointing to see something like this having gone this far.  The photo they took was a West Point tradition but for some reason John Burk, a military blogger who I have respect for as a fellow vet and no nonsense attitude...but seems to be clueless about racism, jumped to the all too familiar conclusion that certain gestures, when done by black folks, must "mean something."  In this case, he assumed that raised fists must mean solidarity with "Black Lives Matter."  He raised enough of a fuss to warrant an "investigation" which, thankfully, the Army found was much ado about nothing.



Why does it matter?

The usual reasons.  Double standards and hypocrisy.  While soldiers are forbidden to express much individualism while serving, including political statements, this isn't the first time the Army has needed to be reminded that it is a diverse group and that diversity must be respected.  Kudos to the Army, though, for showing that it can adapt to the changing culture and recognize faux outrage when they see it.  Burk, judging by his YouTube persona, seems like a good guy, good soldier, and loyal American. However, like most "mainstream" individuals, he's blinded by what he doesn't know and arrogant enough to assume he does instead of, y'know...asking.  The military might be the last true meritocracy left and that leaves a lot of its soldiers with a false sense that this is how the real world works. Especially if you joined at a young impressionable age.  I wish John the best but I would remind him, and anyone else who thinks they "know what they're talking about", when it comes to other groups to listen first and ask questions, instead of potentially ruining the lives of 16 young women because you care more about your right to speak than their right to live.



...Til next week!


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Sunday, August 2, 2015

UFC 190: Beautiful Monster

Ronda Rousey is redefining how to be a star athlete. In a sport so brutal, vicious, and bloody, the fact that a woman is headlining pay-per-views as the UFC's biggest star is nothing short of amazing. She is obliterating her opponents, silencing critics, and doing it all without sacrificing her femininity. Gina Carano, MMA's previous "it" girl, faced mostly substandard competition in the now defunct Strikeforce promotion and was driven from the sport after being brutally beaten by Cris "Cyborg" Justino in 2009. No one in the history of combat sports has finished fights as quickly and consistently on this big a stage and has looked as fabulous doing it. Mike Tyson, I hear, is a big fan.
Photo: Josh Hedges/Zuffa LLC/Getty Images 
 She has captured that rare combination of beauty and talent that only a select few female athletes approach. Her closest analogue in the modern era is Serena Williams, a woman who own dominance has similarly pushed her to the top of her traditionally male dominated sport. Granted, Rousey doesn't have to deal with many of the racially motivated criticisms that Serena does but she has legitimately earned her spot among the UFC's and the sportsworld's elite.
Left to Right: Shafir, Rousey, Duke, Baszler Photo via mixedmartialarts.com

Her latest victim, Bethe Correia was undefeated before Saturday's bout, scoring decisive wins over 2 members of  Rousey's unofficial "4 Horsewomen" clique, Jessamyn Duke and Shayna Bazsler.  Correia wanted to make the fight personal, perhaps in an attempt to throw the champion off her game. By flashing the famous "4"  and lowering one finger after each victory, she clearly wanted to send a message.  Correia even crossed the line by commenting on Rousey's history with drug abuse and making light of her father's suicide. The message was received and judging by how quickly their fight ended, we can add "play mind games" to the list of things not to do if you want to beat her.


Cris "Cyborg" Justino  Photo: Esther Lin
The truly amazing part of all this is that she has managed to do this without falling into the pitfalls that many star athletes struggle to avoid. She has not been in trouble with the law, and though she has admitted past drug use, she has been sober for over 5 years.  She seems at ease in front of the camera, showing no fear of the spotlight. She routinely says exactly what's on her mind, most recently calling out boxing's pound for pound king, Floyd Mayweather on his domestic violence issues. The only thing that can seemingly stop Ronda at this point is Ronda. Even she has wondered if she can physically keep up the pace at which she takes fights. She has admitted that she may burn herself out as she did when she competed in judo. So far, however, she has shown no signs of slowing down.  Her next fight will almost certainly be a 2nd rematch with Meisha Tate, who Rousey has already beaten twice by armbar submission.  At best Tate is a place holder while the much anticipated superfight with Invicta Women's Featheweight Champion Cris "Cyborg" Justino is worked on. 

Despite fears that the UFC will run out of quality opponents for her to face, her legend continues to grow.  Previously unknown female fighters from every corner of the sport will look to boost their visibility by challenging Rousey and her story has crossed into the mainstream.  My wife, who doesn't follow MMA at all not only knows who Ronda Rousey is but when she's fighting next.  She's a joy to watch and her journey has our attention whether you're a fight fan or not.  Women like this aren't common.  Athletes like this aren't common.  She's in her prime, at the top of her sport, and that doesn't seem likely to change anytime soon.  Fight like a girl, Ronda.  
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Sunday, June 21, 2015

Who Cares About Father's Day?

I didn't grow up celebrating Father's Day.  If my life were a sitcom,  my father would be the recurring special guest star you don't see for 3 seasons then shows up for the season finale.  As a matter of fact, most of my life I thought Father's Day, Mother's Day, and Velentines Day were corporate holidays solely designed to get you to spend money. I know a lot of people who feel this way and I was right there with them.  My family changed my mind.

Thanks, Chris.  Bet you won't say this on Mothers Day, though.



"Why do you want props for something you're supposed to do anyway?" - the Peanut Gallery

Men are wired to need two things, appreciation and respect.  It's why men working a dead-end jobs and/or hear nothing but complaints from their lady at home feel like their soul is being crushed.  No one wants to put their heart and soul into something day in and day out for the only pay off to be criticism and indifference.  Sounds great in a stand up routine but real men need to know their efforts are appreciated. (Deadbeat dads and no-ambition workers, this is not for you.  Shhh.). 

"If you appreciate your [insert loved one here] every other day of the year why do you need a special day?"

Anything you do every single day becomes normal and routine.  People are people.  We get angry, say things we don't mean, get caught up in our own drama, and tend to forget to be nice to those we see and love the most.  It isn't possible to do something above and beyond every day.  
You already know...



We love our families.  We work hard to keep them safe, protected, clothed, and fed and there isn't a day we don't think about how to do better for them.  A special heartfelt thank you from the people we care about the most is worth more than any pair of Jordan's, any power tool set, any sports championship, any favorite car, or ...tie.  So to all my brothers standing in the gap...





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